I didn't want to say it, but I will.

I keep feeling sad for no reason. I'll be fine, and then something will cross my mind, just little things, and for no reason they can make me feel so incredibly sad all of the sudden. I find myself close to tears, and I can't even tell you why. And sometimes I feel like I deserve to feel bad. I feel the urge to let myself keep hurting instead of picking myself up and fixing the broken pieces. It's not something I mean to do at all. It's not something I consciously want. But when it was pointed out to me that I was doing certain things, and I looked back at it, I knew that I was hurting myself. It wasn't just laziness, it was a choice, I just didn't know that I had made it. Realizing this made me feel worse and better at the same time. I felt terrible about what I had done to myself, and working to fix it has been uncomfortable, and I keep catching myself having the same type of thoughts. But at the same time, it felt good to have people see that something was wrong, that they noticed before the realization had ever even hit me. I'm trying to be better now, if only for them.

I have always had strict rules. I can promise that I will never ever hurt myself in a traditional sense. This isn't a promise for me, but for the people I care about. I know how it feels to find out that someone close to you has started cutting, and I know the worry that accompanies the discovery. I couldn't put my friends through something like that. I don't want to hurt anyone. But I didn't know that I could cause people to worry about me with simpler means. Things I didn't even realize, but they did. I hadn't been eating much, and the same with sleeping. On the surface I shrugged it off, excuses like there being no food in my house (which was kinda true) and that I wasn't tired at night, or busy. But I do recall shadowy thoughts that I pushed aside afterwards. I was too lazy to get food, but there was part of me that wanted the hurt in my stomach, that thought I deserved it, or the tiredness during the day. As much as I hate to say it, I had those thoughts, I'm still having those thoughts. I'm thinking it right now, as my stomach is growling at me, but I'm going to go and get food, if only to stop people's worry, because I don't want people to worry about me. So I'm sorry for what I've done.