Storms

There is a storm outside my window.
It is all raw power and raging winds. Moody purple skies loom overhead until the sky is split by a jagged line of lightning. A rumble shakes the earth- the Gods screaming their wrath from the heavens. Electricity dances through the air, and raindrops keep the beat for a moment, before releasing their full power and drenching the ground below, tiptoeing a careful balance between bringing life and drowning. There is a storm raging outside, full of power, chaos, and beauty.

There is a storm inside of me.
It is the quiet sort of storm, the kind that sneaks up on you and whirlwinds into your heart when you least expect it. The kind that clouds out the sun in a second and blots out any silver linings. The kind that fills you with darkness until you've forgotten how the warm rays feel on your skin.

I have been getting sad. This is not altogether a strange feeling, as I have struggled with this a lot in the past, but it had mostly gone away until the past few weeks. But now it seems to have returned. I get these bouts of sadness for no reason that I cannot explain. Sometimes they last for just a few moments, sometimes they last an entire day. Today has been one of those days. I haven't been able to cheer myself up, and I haven't been motivated to do anything at all. I have spent most of the day curled into my bed. The moments where I am fighting off tears are one thing, but there is another feeling that scares me even more. I have been getting these moments of overwhelming emptiness, where it is almost as if I feel nothing at all. For someone who is used to an excessive amount of emotions bouncing around, this is scary. I feel as if there is nothing inside of me, no urge to act, no passion, just this hollow shell- and that scares me to death. I don't like feeling like that. Another thing that has been deepening lately is my anxiety. This has been acting up in several ways. One is that cars and such have been making me super jumpy (pretty much seeing anyone coming towards me with a left turn signal will make me have a panic attack) and other events like that. It has also been making me worry about other people, and there well being, as well as how people that I care about feel about me. A deep fear of abandonment that I put behind myself a long time ago has resurfaced, and I find myself questioning every act in fear that it will push people away from me. I am so scared of losing the people I love, that every paranoid part of me keeps thinking that things are going wrong and people are liking me less, and that I am going to be left alone again. I don't want to be alone anymore.

Writing this is hard. Even just thinking about it is making me want to cry.

I am going to fight it though. For the first time I am opening up to some people and talking about it. I even got the courage to tell my mom. A friend has offered me help in going to a counselor/therapist, which hopefully will help too. I am fighting this, because I desperately want these feeling to be behind me.


There is a storm raging inside of me. It is powerful, dark, and scary- but, as all storms do, this too shall pass.