How to be Socially Awkward

            There is a highly specialized breed of humans often known as “socially awkward people.” Though often shunned and misunderstood in society, these humans are obviously of a much higher class. Everyone should aspire to be socially awkward, and I can tell you how to achieve this with a few very easy steps. Of course, one can just follow these steps and assume that they will automatically become one of these spectacular beings. You have to believe in social awkwardism with your entire being; treat it as if it was a religion or a calling… or perhaps, perhaps just be yourself! You may be one of these brilliant creatures without even knowing it!

            One of the most effective methods in ‘the art of awkward’ that I have learned is that of sarcasm. Now with this, I absolutely do not mean using sarcasm effectively. Quite the opposite actually; you should fail at sarcasm. Continuously ask “Are you being sarcastic?” and occasionally make vague attempts at sarcasm that no one understands. Since we live in an age where the useless art of sarcasm is polluting our daily lives we must take a stand against this. Misunderstand it with all of your might. Misuse it to confuse the masses. Rather than submit to this absurdity of human expression we must try to convince others to enjoy our own expressions and humor!

            Now, we have reached another important point in achieving social awkwardism: humor. You must develop a completely absurd sense of humor. Whether this manifests as an absurd obsession with puns or as streams of nonsensical jokes is irrelevant. What is important is that you get excessively excited about this humor, despite the fact that no one else understands it. Actually, beyond this, you must get excited about many little things; silly things that no one other than you understands precisely why they are exciting. For example, if you have had experiences pertaining to things that less advanced people would classify as boring (Such as working with things like an X-ray defractometer) get excited about them, and try to spread this excitement to others. We must try and help the world understand why these things are just so darn cool, even if this quest seems futile! Another noble quest to take in pursuit of social awkwardness is that of fandoms. These quests will carry you deep into the dangerous wilds of zealous fangirls, and at some points you may even join them, but if you continue through on this perilous quest you may recruit several new social awkwardites, and form lasting tv-show related relations.

            Now, it is time for us to discuss some of the simpler actions common to this breed.  Some sense of clumsiness helps greatly in creating an air of social awkwardness. It is even better if one denies this clumsiness at all costs, insisting that they are a graceful SwaNinja. (You may or may not have to proceed to define a swaninja as a swan combined with a ninja to the less informed public. Unfortunately this being is very elusive being and not very well known due to their excessive gracefulness and sneakiness.) You can prove your ‘swaninjaness’ to them by busting out in some mad dance moves reminiscent of those seen in musicals from the eighties. This is a definite way to find yourself, not only in the elite ranks of the socially awkward, but also those of the swaninjas.

            Of course, not everyone can be a true swaninja.  You can make up for your lack of grace in other ways though. Some examples of this are randomly singing in public, strange fears and tics, and interesting expressions. I think the last of these is the most important to address. Swear words these days are far too common. Those of us who are truly socially awkward prefer to liven our vocabularies with more interesting phrases. A good example of this is my favorite phrase: GollyGoshGolightlyGeeWizARooni (And variations there upon). Develop your own phrases as well, and use them often! Not only are they a great conversation topic, they are also impeccably awkward. Of course you can also utilize an excessive amount of incredibly lengthy articulations to make your vocalizing more fascinating. This has the added benefit of puzzling lesser audiences and making oneself appear rather intelligent.

            So far, we have focused mostly on the verbal and physical aspects of social awkwardism. Now, I would like to take a moment to speak of the wardrobe choices that we make. By no means should a socially awkward person dress based off the ‘hottest fashions’ one should dress for comfort and personal preference alone. If this means you waltz about with a ten foot long scarf and an owl hat (lovingly named Friz-Mizzles) then so be it. Good on you. Dress to your standards, because those of us who are socially awkward refuse to accept the standards of anyone other than ourselves.

            This brings us to the final point of social awkwardism, and definitely the most important. This is the big secret, the truth of all truths; the key to being socially awkward is simple. Be yourself. Have Fun. Don’t let the judgment of others hold you back. These three rules are vital. Nothing else matters. As socially awkward beings we can shed the chains of social expectations and soar in our own special way. It may not always be easy to find people to accept us, but as long as we are true to ourselves this doesn’t matter. When we find the people who accept us for who we are, and not for our ability to fit in, we will be the luckiest people in the world, and this is what makes social awkwardism worth every challenge that we face.